9. Where have I been?

I’ve been gone for a long time, I know. I’m guessing you’re probably wondering why? Well, a lot’s happened…

After I finished my most recent blog post ‘Who is Gary?’, I decided that my next one was going to be about a documentary I watched almost 3 years ago. But then I guess life got in the way. The thing is, I know in this blog it may seem that all my issues have gone away and now I’m flying in the air, free from all my troubles; but that’s not the reality. Of course I have come out of the other side in the sense that when I do start feeling low, I have the right support to deal with those moments, but that still doesn’t mean that those moments don’t hurt.

Over a month ago I had a small relapse in my epilepsy. Fortunately it’s all been sorted out and we now know where the issue stemmed from. But it was really difficult at the time – my flinches came back, I was uncontrollably crying, I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and I couldn’t get out of bed. For a blink of an eye, my world stopped; my internal dialogue became dark, I began to wind myself up and to trip over all the self-imposed obstacles that were in my way. And then… I remembered something: a self-love questionnaire I had seen in an instagram post; I told myself to write the answers down so that whenever I felt bad I could look at them, and remember how much I loved myself.

Here are the questions, and the answers I gave:

1. What’s your favourite personality trait?

My empathy.

2. What are you most proud of?

My journey.

3. What’s something you appreciate about your younger self?

My mistakes.

4. What are your greatest strengths?

My ability to understand others, my empathy, my kindness, my talent, my love, my beauty and my soul.

5. What’s one thing you appreciate about your body?

My boobs, eyes and figure (3 things sorry!)

6. What’s one thing you forgive yourself for?

My anger and suffering.

7. What’s one thing you can do to take care of yourself today?

(Again multiple things) drink loads of water, exercise, eat, bake, sing, be honest with my emotions and learn from each day.

8. What’s something positive that you deserve?

Love, balance and friendship.

And there it is. I was able to pull myself out of the pit of darkness. Of course it wasn’t all better after that, but I certainly felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I got up, called my friend who really helped me reflect on my feelings, baked a cake, sang some songs and by the end of the week I felt so much better.

So I think that’s why I’ve been away for a while; I needed to take some time for me, to work on myself, so that I could feel strong enough to write again.